Mistakes We Never Made by Hannah Brown

1/5 stars

How’d I find it? As a die-hard member of Bachelor Nation, I have been anticipating this book for months. Hannah Brown is one of the show’s most beloved Bachelorettes and gave the world some epic reality TV moments.

Why not 3 or more stars? Mistakes We Never Made was written with a ghostwriter, and when multiple minds are working on a text, I expect a certain level of mastery. I expect the protagonist to be bearable, even if obnoxiously self-deluded. I expect the two sex scenes in a romance novel to be more than a few paragraphs of missionary. I expect to be reminded only sporadically of the love interest’s signature odor of “woodsmoke and lavender.” I expect a mostly chronological story that takes place over three days to eschew chapter titles alerting the reader to the day of the week. I expect the unresolved plot points laying the ground for the next installment to be treated more elegantly.

The book delivers in one crucial way for Hannah’s fans by including Easter eggs from her time as the Bachelorette, like an homage to that iconic pedestal move.

I did not like this book, and Jesus still loves me.

Iron Flame by Rebecca Yarros

1/5 stars

How’d I find it? With much anticipation, I picked up my copy at Atomic Books on publication day.

Why not 3 or more stars? I know. I eviscerated Fourth Wing like a clubtail. Don’t expect much different from Iron Flame. Xaden’s jaw is ticking, Violet is lifting her chin, and Ridoc is clapping people on the back. Repetition of key plot points, characters’ states of mind, and personality traits ensure quick consumption of this book’s 622 pages, with twists served up so gently and obviously that you feel like a genius for having guessed them. I give this five stars for entertainment value and anxiously await the third installment.

Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros

1/5 stars

How’d I find it? After watching readers at Solid State Books clamor for weeks over the store’s trickle of copies, I had to see what all the fuss was about.

Why not 3 or more stars? Jaws can clench, tense, drop, and harden; they can be thrust or jutted or set. But can they tick? Seriously, I am asking. This is one of many (many) linguistic hurdles of Fourth Wing, the first installment of the highly entertaining dragon-riding series by Rebecca Yarros. I inhaled this book gleefully but required frequent breaks because (and I’m going to use Yarros’ darling ellipsis here)…the writing. Some pauses were giggle fits brought on by the narrative billboards that were characters’ names (The love interests? Xaden and Dain.) or by our protagonist’s vagina being described as her “entrance.” Others were little mind puzzles, like ticking jaws (maybe it’s part of this world’s language?) and a wild reveal that you will nevertheless see coming after 450 pages of passive-aggressive flirting and chin cupping. While I recognized some nods to empowerment and identity acceptance that felt fresh, I also noted that Yarros carefully skirts race and oppression in a book run through with classism.

In a society where remakes and products of mass appeal comprise much of our cultural diet, Fourth Wing demands nothing from the consumer, and it’s no surprise. Disappointing, yes, but no surprise. What can I say? I can’t wait to read Iron Flame.

Heartburn by Nora Ephron

3/5 stars

What's it about? Cookbook author Rachel Samstat discovers that her husband Mark is cheating on her at the worst time: she's seven months pregnant. What makes a marriage worth keeping? A quippy snack of a book that is simultaneously tough to put down and tough to swallow.

How’d I find it? A dear aunt with a terrifyingly voracious reading appetite passed along this book.

Who will enjoy this book? Lovers of the rom-com (especially Nora Ephron's, obviously) and Jennifer Weiner's work

What stood out? While this romance novel is rife with expected tropes, its unconventional writing sets it apart. Example: The future Rachel narrating the story punctuates the plot with recipes that I found distracting in the best way — I'm now determined to make sorrel soup. The book's major weakness is how aggressively cis and straight it is, which culminates in cringeworthy gender platitudes and off-putting treatments of LGBTQ identity.

Which line made me feel something? Make no mistake — this book is funny. I laughed out loud throughout. "I wanted a man with long legs and a small ass and laugh wrinkles around the eyes. Then I grew up and settled for a low-grade lunatic who kept hamsters."